Thursday, September 16, 2010

“You came [on] that thing? You’re braver than I thought.”

Although I used a modified Star Wars quote for the headline, I assure you that this blog post is not of a family-friendly nature. I urge all of those with delicate sensibilities to stop reading right now.

In other words, s**t just got real.

[Pause]

Okay, now that it’s just us mature (snicker) folks left, I’d like to call attention to a recent post at The Smoking Gun, which I stumbled across via Topless Robot. Evidently, a 28-year-old Florida man by the name of William Tyler Black got caught masturbating to the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue (featuring superhottie Brooklyn Decker) in the middle of a Wal-Mart. He’s facing exposure of sexual organs charges, according to a probable cause affidavit.

A store employee reportedly told police that Black “ejaculated onto the floor and wiped his hand on a toy along with rubbing his foot on the suspected semen on the floor.”

A police source told TSG that the toy in question was a Hasbro Star Wars lightsaber.

Oh, you bastard.

Look, I know masturbation’s making headlines this week. Hell, Christine O’Donnell—the Republican nominee for the U.S. Senate in Delaware—has been quoted as saying the act is synonymous with adultery, sparking quite a bit of spirited debate on the blogosphere and in the media on the ins and outs of self-pleasure. But wiping one’s baby batter on a lightsaber? That’s damn near blasphemy in my book. It’s “an elegant weapon for a more civilized age,” for Obi-Wan’s sake!

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